When I'm "lost in thought" I lose awareness of the immediate environment's sensory input. Thoughts interpolate between my awareness and the world. Logically, the "space" between the thoughts must exist in that immediate environment. When the the thoughts "hook" me, I go deeper inside and away from present sensory input. My emotional responses become based on internal events instead of my current experience.
This week looked for the empty spot where thoughts happen. I focused on my posture and my exhalations and let the inhalations take care of themselves.
Break
I had to take a one month break. My mood had started slipping into depression and my sleep had started to suffer. Once I stopped meditating, my mood and sleep began to improve. Not a good sign for this experiment in meditation.
Day #1
Neutral mood and mild irritability.
My mid-back donated its hot pain to my attention pool. How generous of it. And my right knee objected strenuously to the meditation position.
As I looked for the space between the thoughts, I began to wonder: is that space the same as the full sensory awareness of now?
Throughout the meditation time, I rehearsed conversations and planned my notes for this blog. I thought about sex. And I even had a vision of an embryonic reptilian head and eye coming out of my side. Extremely cool!
Day #2
Neutral mood and mild irritability.
From my navel down tonight, my posture felt solid. From there upwards I sat OK but tight and tense.
My hooks often seem to involve pre-writing these entries, rehearsing conversations, planning work activities, and occasional visualizations.
Day #3
Good mood with no irritability or anxiety.
Today I had good, balanced and pretty relaxed posture.
I kept re-hashing and re-writing dinner conversation where one of the women decided I had "accidental game" with women. It made for interesting review of my past from a different perspective from the usual ones. I allowed my brain to freely flow and associate and I ended up back in the present sensory world. Pretty cool.
Day #4
Neutral mood with no anxiety or irritability.
I had posture like a rock, but ready. My inner warrior woke back up. Finally.
I had moments where the cascade of thoughts pulled me along. They triggered off each other in flashing tangents.
Other times I felt the pull and stepped back to watch it happen. Then I'd realize I'd gotten hooked into the "objective observer" loop.
Sometimes I'd even be aware of the current environment. The space between all of these did not seem to exist.
Either I sparked along with my thoughts, associations and further thoughts, or I was observing them, or I sensed the present stimuli. I found no space between any of it. It just shifted around as triggers fired.
Day #5
Good mood with no irritability or anxiety.
My inner warrior showed up again, aware and ready.
I realized, in one of my runs of thoughts, my warrior-ness fits for work too. My weapons are Visio, Word and Excel. My footwork comes from my questions.
I see I can apply the metaphor to other life areas as well. This will prove interesting.
I felt calm and ready. I felt good about this session.
Day #6
Neutral mood with no irritability or anxiety.
Thought chains flowed around kali, taihenjutsu, Knevitt and Gordon versus Eddie Lewis (from Texas, not my awesome teacher from the University of Regina), work emails and pre-writing this.
I had a sore mid-back and a tight neck.
Is the empty space maybe that within which the thoughts occur?
Day #7
Neutral mood and moderate anxiety.
My common-law wife and I discussed our situation and our possible solutions today. Thoughts on this came up a few times, as did thoughts on how, and with whom, to discuss it. I would normally discuss this serious an issue with her, but the issue lies between us.
I felt some soreness just below my scapulae and I had difficult with the time. My phone acted up so I had to use my watch's timer. I didn't know how, exactly.
Brief thoughts of work popped up. The rest of the time I spent expanding my awareness of the immediate environment.
A Request
I would really appreciate your comments on this journey, my thoughts and my conclusions. Please leave a comment or two.
Thank you in advance.
