My sense of self-will seems to over-ride my ability to observe myself as
transient. I can perceive auditory digital and visual thoughts as arising out of
nothing, but my breath causes a problem. I cannot NOT breathe
consciously during meditation. I do every aspect of my breathing deliberately.
I missed days 22 and 25 this week. I have moved up to 14 minutes.
On the 23rd day, I had good posture, I focused well and I fell asleep sitting at least four times. The tipping of my body as I drifted off woke me. I had an internal conversation with my brother about my choice of meditation time. I also berated myself for accepting an early meeting instead of asserting myself and proposing a new time.
On day 24, I focused very well on the counting and on my posture. I did almost fall asleep a couple of times, but the counting helps. Counting also helps identify loss of focus quickly. My posture felt good, but my left foot tingled sharply afterwards.
Day 26 challenged my posture. I found it difficult and my left knee ended up quite sore. My left foot fell asleep again. Every breath required conscious action unless I had a thought arise to distract me. When thoughts did come up, I pushed them away as soon as I noticed them.
Noticing thoughts took about three seconds. My thoughts included planning a document review for work, flashes of Joseph's story from Genesis, the idea that enlightenment comes from a clear balance between conscious and unconscious minds, and the idea "no-self" actually means the unconscious.
Those who know me will recognize the freakishness of me having any biblical thoughts. What happened there? I have started reviewing the bible using a Masonic bible and special Masonic study plan. Both have passed down my family for the last four generations. That has to have led to the biblical thoughts.
I focused and counted with ease on day 27. But I absolutely could not breathe without doing it consciously and deliberately. My posture felt good from the waist down. My upper back and my sternocleidomastoid muscles stayed tight and uncomfortable throughout.
In the next room my wife watched CNN. The anchorwoman's voice conjured up brief, unbidden, erotic imagery. I could easily recognize these as thoughts arising and let them go. And this helped me see how many of my thoughts trigger off environmental stimuli.
But what do I do about this conscious breathing thing?
No comments:
Post a Comment